It's really hard to disappear if you know there's someone out there who needs you right now. Someone who tends to do stupid things. Listen to wrong advices of stupid friends.

I know I'm not his mom or anything. He's never listened to me at all. But I was there. Always. Not giving a damn if it was 6 in the morning and I had to work the next day. Hell, that's what friends are for. Just listening. Just being. Trying to create the illusion of a better life lying ahead. Or making him forget all that current bullshit for a few hours. He did the same to me when I needed help and someone to understand. Someone on my side.

But I have to leave now. At least for a while. Perfect timing. He's got some real problems and getting more and more crazy over it. Starting to talk dangerous stuff, having dangerous ideas. Nasty-minded.

Talking on the phone has never been an option. It's not our style. We've never done and will never do it. Our whole relationship is based on typing.

So, I'll be going, just as he returned from his life that had kept him away. The life that had been destroyed. Leaving no hope. Just hate. And thoughts. Dangerous thoughts.

Which I cannot stop. I won't be there.

He wants to chose the dark side. Being an evil Sith. Just like in the movies. Glorifying stupid behavior and decisions. Running from reality. Ignoring responsibility for his own life. Not realizing that every development is caused by own decisions. Free decisions. Always having an alternative. To act like an adult for example.

It's really sad to see a good friend changing to bad. Not wanting to see the truth although people around him keep telling him the same things again and again. It feels so helpless. I feel helpless.

I can see how and where it will end. I've always known. It's like a curse. No one will ever believe you, unless it finally happens.

Oh well, I really should have been a headshrinker.



Bunny

So, thanks to some stupid xml-file, ie just ate my entry. I'm really too lazy to type it again. It almost looks like a sign. *sigh*

I was thinking why the hell I am not able to invite my best friend. I mean, we haven't seen each other for 3 1/2 years now. That's ages. He feels really down and it might be a good idea for him to get away for a while. But still... feels like taking advantage of a situation.

I'm just sad that he feels really crappy. No, hell just broke loose and destroyed everything he called life. Ironically events like this will make him spend more online-time with me. Which I'm fighting not to be happy about. That's not how friendship is supposed to work.

I can't tell how much I missed him and how it feels to have him back and talking like in old times. It's just not right.

I want to say "Hey, why don't you drop by for a few days. We'll have some fun or talk and you get away from all that bullshit. At least for a while. Helps to clear your head."

But I just can't. Seems like the words refuse to come out of my mouth. A whole world seems to be between us.

And I don't want him to see me as I am now. I normally don't give a damn at all. It's just... don't want him to see how I failed. Don't want to hear the only opinion that really means something to me. I refuse to listen, Sir.

I'm supposed to be the strong one right now. It just kills me to see him suffer agonies. I've seen it coming right from the start. A long time ago. Very long. But it's better to hold one's tongue sometimes. Not to meddle at all. Especially when you're living quite far away.

I want to shout just how much I missed him. Talking to him. Only person to know all my secrets, my life, my fears. How much my heart is bleeding from this world. How he could leave me alone for such a long time.

I really want to believe when he's saying that he missed me, too, and keeps thinking of me even if we don't have any contact at all for a long time. Coz that's how I feel.

We're both sides of the same soul. One is black and one is white. Both can never be happy at the same time. Someone always has to pay the price. Perfectly Yin and Yang.

Right now it's my turn to be Yang and burn hotter than the sun.

Welcome to my Zen.



Bunny

http://fly.cc.fer.hr/~shlede/ying/yang.html



Thanks to some online-quiz I found the perfect description of my personality ever written. It's just perfect, everything... it's just me. I'm still very much puzzled about it. Never thought that there's actually an explanation for all this contrariness in my mind. I'm aware that no one of you will ever know me well enough to understand just how accurate these words describe me and you're not even interested in it...

http://www.personalitypage.com/ISFJ.html
http://keirsey.com/personality/sjif.html